Being a mum is the best feeling in the world, it’s also the hardest thing to do in the world! Children are not born with a hand book and you just have to learn along the way.
Having the ulcer has robbed me of three years with my children! Nearly all the things I used to be able to do, I can’t do them any more. At the start it was the size of a 5p and it didn’t affect me to much.
My youngest daughter was born 5 weeks early and we moved 4 week later, after that everything was about to change. I registered at a new doctors surgery and they jumped straight into a treatment plan for my leg.
The treatments were full on and I started to limp because of the pain. As a result of the limp I now had tendonitis in that same foot. I was put on crutches and given more medication for it. I felt useless, I couldn’t unpack properly because it took me what felt like forever to move from room to room, I couldn’t stand for very long so couldn’t cook any meals. I felt like I was failing as a mum because I couldn’t do any of the simple tasks a normal mum could do.
As the months went by I started to give up and depression set in. I would get up in the mornings because I had to, not because I wanted to. I stayed in my pyjamas all day and I had given up doing any housework as it would take me a whole day to finish one room, then the children would come home and make a mess again. I didn’t see the point in doing anything.
It was around that time when the pain was at its worst, I kept getting infections , I wasn’t sleeping and it felt like my leg was on fire 24 hours a day. My children really suffered during this stage. I wasn’t really engaging with them, I wouldn’t really play with them, I was there but not fully with them. I would lose my temper very quickly and after I would be riddled with guilt because I knew they actually didn’t do anything wrong. Quite a few times I would read school letters, pin it on the board and then forget all about it. If I didn’t have help from my husband and my mum I think even the childrens school work would have suffered.
As the pain and depression took over, I found myself looking on the internet about people who had lost one of their legs and how they coped, I wanted to go to the hospital and get them to cut my leg off. My leg being bad put a lot of pressure on all my family and if i couldn’t be the mum my children needed then sometime I would think they would all be better off without me. I felt like I had completely failed as mum, my children deserved better than I could give them.
One night I sat was downstairs alone, crying because the pain had got so bad, I could have cut my own leg off at this point, when from nowhere a massive sence of warmth came across me and a thought came into my head, something my mum had said to me before…
I brought these children into the world and if I don’t look after myself, who will look after them!
From that night onwards, this is what I tell myself every time I’m feeling down. I went back to the doctors and got some stronger painkillers, I researched more about tendonitis and found some physiotherapy exercises to help get the movement back in my foot and I started to have fun and enjoy being around my children again. Within six months I was back on my feet and starting to feel a little back to normal.
There are still many things I can not do with my children, I can only do the school run once a week as that’s as much as my leg will take, if I take my children out for the day, the next day or so I’m in a lot of pain and have to rest more but now im looking for the things I can do, not the things I can’t do.