In the dictionary pain is defined as….
Highly unpleasant physical sensation caused by illness or injury.
Pain is so much more personal than that. People feel pain in so many different ways and for so many different reasons.
If you follow my blog you will know why I am in pain but I haven’t really explained the pain on it own.
I have previously written a post about my painful morning routine. If you haven’t read it you can find it here. Within that post it tells you what I do in the mornings and what tablets I take, I briefly talk about the pain but not in very much depth. So here goes starting from my mornings which is when I’m in most pain.
The pain that runs through my body every morning is so intense that sometimes I wish the surgeons would cut my leg off! I hate going to bed at night because I know the pain that is coming the next morning.
From the moment my eyes open I feel the pain, it hurts the most when I have to get up and walk. Over night my tendons seize up and I have to physically move my foot to loosen them up, doing this sends shooting pain through my leg. When I first had to do this it would make me instantly cry but I have got used to it now and no longer start my day off by crying.
During the day I go through different stages of pain. I get burning pain which feels like someone is holding a match on my leg. I get pricking pain which feels like someone has a safety-pin and is stabbing me over and over again. I get a cramp like feeling 3/4 times a day and pins and needles to go with it. My leg muscles ache 90% of the time. and I get throbbing pain that comes and goes like waves.
Suffering with chronic pain not only affects me physically it affects me mentally. Dealing with pain on a permanent bases is a very lonely place to be, it separates me from the rest of my family, It beats me down and makes me mentally weak. At first it makes me feel upset and wallow in self-pity, then I’m angry and after that I feel motivated to get something done to heal, to stop the pain but when that fails the depression starts to creep in. I have been through this emotional cycle so many times in the last 3 years that I’ve learnt to just accept how I’m feeling and to just ride it out.
Being in chronic pain means I have to take numerous medications that I know are effecting my health and my body but without them I can’t function. They put my kidneys at risk because they have to work harder to clear all the toxins from my body. I have to take extra tablets to make sure I don’t suffer stomach ulcers from the medication.
Being in pain stops me doing so many things as a mum and the things I can do make me so tired because I have to fight the pain at the same time. A simple walk to the park can cause me so much pain the next day because I’ve overworked my tendons. Just trying to keep on top of my housework takes me nearly all day and completely tires me out. Being in pain is exhausting because no matter what I’m doing its always there eating away at me.
When I go to bed at night, I would love to crawl under the duvet and drift peacefully off to sleep but that doesn’t happen either, I have to take painkillers just so I can lay flat without having any throbbing pain through my muscles as they are trying to relax. It takes me what feels like forever to fall asleep because I end the day feeling stressed out and worrying about what the next day will bring.
I don’t want to be in pain anymore, I’ve severed my time, I’m shattered and I just want a break. I don’t want to keep pumping my system with all these medications, I want to get back to my old self, I want to be happy again, I want the doctors to find some miracle dressings and miracle cure that can help me heal and make it all go away!